What like its hard?

IMG_1699WELLLLLL HELLLO, fuckers. I’m back, and more than ready to blog my nonexistent heart out (schools over and now I have time for activities). The things to come are my new crash diet, being fashionable on a budget, tanning, how to do the gym (because working out is like, hard) and more insight into my day to day life. So once you’re ready (you probably will never be), grab your iPhone, take a seat (fat ass) and prepare your butthole.

Let me bring you up to date on all things that are ME. My life has been a little hectic, finals week fucked me, hard, and I gained 8 pounds. But that 3.5 GPA was more than worth it. I’ve been so busy between work and searching for a new car I want to drown myself in the nearest bag of cheez-Its, chug Nyquil and sleep for 90+ hours. For those of you that didn’t know, I went to PCB for spring break and I left part of my soul (dignity) in Florida. I had typed up a whole spread about NYE (lets not relive that) but seeing as how that was 5 months ago, that’s old news. I moved and got a brand new house, whatever. I haven’t been fired from my job yet so I guess I’m still winning at life. I’ve been talking to the same amazing guy for 6 months, which is a miracle all in itself; bless your heart for having to deal with me.

Here recently I’ve been playing around with some new recipes that I found and I’ll be doing a review of them.

New TANNINNG LOTTTIIONNSSS are here and I’ll tell what’s good, what’s not so good and which ones you should buy.

Let the record be stated that getting a passport is the most frazzling thing, because who the fuck knew that you would have to pay $200 for them to put YOUR information into a little book? Whatever. I’m going to Bermuda in a month, so bye. Hopefully I don’t get abducted into the sex trade, get lost in the triangle or die. YOU BETTER FUCKING PRAY FOR ME.

Until next time, xoxo

TTG

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Meriods.

Tired-Of-Your-Man-Period

Just like a girl, us guys go through hormonal changes, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY IT’S FUCKING TRUE. Just, just listen, no listen. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME. Okay just because we don’t bleed doesn’t mean we don’t experience the same hormonal cycle. Every month I get a lot doucheier and way too emotional for my own good. Cosmo even proves it, calling it Irritable Male Syndrome. BFF and I go through it at the same time because when she’s on her period I’m on my meriod. It’s like I have ESPN or something. But seriously I’m so glad that I don’t bleed or any of that weird shit because like I would probably not know what to do if my vagina started bleeding? Like that’s so weird, right? I’m gay and I just don’t understand, idk.

Symptoms of a Meriod include (but not limited to):

  • Complete and total dick
  • Extra douchey
  • Always tired
  • Irritable for no reason
  • Needs an ungodly amounts of attention (needy)
  • All of the naps ever
  • Food (taco bell, Mexican, waffle house, outback. Basically all food)
  • SWEATPANTS ARE ALL THAT FIT ME.

I put Devon (butt <3) on the spot and asked him to describe his meriod to me and his comments were, “Farts, suicide, cramp pain, complete bitch and like Beyoncé hit me in the stomach with her swag.” I mean if those apply to you then that’s when you know you’re on your meriod. If not then it’s completely okay to judge him. But like Lil Wayne said, “Ima pick the world up and ima drop it on your fuckin head” I feel like this is an accurate statement for how I feel most of the time while I’m on my meriod. I either want to cuddle soft things, while crying into my pillow and watching Vampire Diaries or I want to punch you in the throat if you say the wrong thing because I’m either hungry, tired, bitchy or a combination of all of the above. Now listen, this isn’t all the time it just depends on my mood that day and if someone pisses me off or not. Like I’m going to listen to you speak for a few second then I’m going to hit you. Can we all agree that every guy has felt this way at one point? And if you say no, YOU’RE FUCKING LYING.

The closet I was hiding in.

1340590169142_7358663Coming out, seems like such a routine thing for any gay person. But why should we have to “come out” it’s not like were some foreign Alien. I’m going to say that my coming out story is as easy as it gets. But for some they fear judgment, abandonment or even worse. We’re simply humans who happen to like the same sex. We aspire to be moms and dads, doctors, accountants, leaders or some don’t even care and want to be bums. But “us” are you, we’re people just like everyone else, we have real and raw emotions, feelings and aspirations. Now I’m going to tell you my coming out story, but mine isn’t the conventional sad coming out story.

Okay let me give you some background, ever since I was little, like 4, I knew I liked boys. I had my first experience with a boy when I was like 13. (I was a whore at an early age, JUDGE ME SOME OTHER TIME) he was older than me, and it was in a fucking barn, lol. How gay right? I’m sparing everyone the details, (I didn’t lose my v card and I didn’t kiss him) sorry mom you don’t know about this. So I don’t really remember much of my past for some reason, my therapist and I are working on it, so I can’t tell you much about my younger years but for the most part I didn’t say anything about being gay or liking boys and I never acted on it. Now fast forward to my junior year of high school by this time I was the ugly pale fuck going through puberty and so being the curious squirrel that I am I started chatting with this boy via AIM (thats when you know) and he threatened to out me to everyone at my high school, SOOOOO I got on the phone with in legit 3 seconds with my BFFS at the time and told them that I was gay. Their reactions were, “We already knew we were just waiting for you to tell us.” Easy enough, I mean I lost some really great friends from coming out, but I also gained some of the most amazing friends that I couldn’t imagine my life without. I got through junior year, senior year and I graduated. Okay so my parents are psycho and didn’t let me get my permit or license until I was 18, so when I was new with my permit I was driving my mom home from getting gas or something idk, anyway she looks at me and ask, “Are you gay?” The reaction I gave her was, that of shock and relief, “I’m bi.” and she simply says, “oh okay.” end of conversation. It was simple easy, and she was super accepting. I didn’t come out to my step dad until I brought my first boyfriend home. Lol, yes I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 18 (NOT AS BIG OF A SLUT AS YOU THOUGHT). He asked who he was and I simply said, “this is my boyfriend” and he says, “Oh okay” then when I tell him that he’s staying he says, “he has to sleep in the spare bedroom.” and that was that. We talked a little about me being gay but my parents were and still are the most understanding people. My mom is basically my BFF. Now I’m sure most people reading this are like, “duh Landon we know you’re gay af so its no surprise.” I mean I’m not going to say coming out story was easy, but my coming out story is as easy as it gets. Most people will never experience this kind of support or happiness and its really sad.

If you want to, write me an email TheTanGay@gmail.com telling me your coming out story, I’ll do a huge blog post about it and share your story, anonymously of course, with some people who are afraid to come out.