One thing that I can’t stand about the gay community is that everyone knows everything about you, even people you don’t know. Like bitch if my dick size is so important for you to know just DM me an I’ll tell you, I mean apparently I show everyone anyway. Like what the fuck ever, you have a penis, I have a penis lets not act like it’s something neither of us haven’t seen before. My sex life (or lack there of) doesn’t include you, unless my penis has been inside of you or I’ve shown you personally, mind your own. If you’re that concerned about what’s in my pants then you must want it inside of you anyway.
Like it’s okay for someone to hookup with 19 guys but me sending a dicture to someone is a huge fiasco. I’m almost positive that there are more important things for you to be concerned with other than me or my penis.
XOXO, Fuck you.
After those long nights of partying, (drinking your body weight in alcohol) being a slut and having a walk of shame, you need to give your skin a refresh. Just grab a towel, a body scrub (that I’m about to show you how to make) and sit down in the shower and reevaluate your life (or don’t). First off I love scrubs. Body scrubs, face scrubs basically all kinds of scrubs. Okay I’m obsessed, I guess I like the way they make my skin feel I don’t really know but, its an unhealthy obsession to say the least. I dare you to judge me on my own blog (actually I don’t care). I was reading the ingredients in one of the scubs my mom uses and it said sea salt, coconut oil, vitamin E, and essence of coconut. Now the price tag said $60.00, so naturally I wanted to use it. But instead I put my crafty hat on and I brain stormed the fuck out of how to make it (Google obviously). Now I like sugar scrubs, salt scrubs make my skin feel dry. So anyway I found out how to make it, I just changed the salt to sugar. Literally the easiest thing ever and it was super cheap like 10 dollars if that and it all just depends on the ingredients you pick. Another scrub that I use, not that often because it stinks lol, is a face scrub that eases the appearance of scars and evens out your skin in general. In high school I had acne, who didn’t? (Accutane fixed mine lol) so I had scars on my face and instead of spending a dickload of money on micro (my parents wouldn’t pay for it because it was “too expensive”) I chose something organic and a whole lot cheaper. It’s made from honey, sugar, green tea, lemon and apple cider vinegar. They’re both super simple to make but the one for your face has to be refrigerated. Weird I know but whatever, JUST LISTEN TO ME.
COCONUT LIME (Body scrub)
- 1/2 cup coconut oil (softened)
- 1 cup raw sugar
- 1/2 tsp vitamin E
- 1/2 tsp of lime juice
- Zest from half a lime
- Optional: Lime and/or coconut scented oils
- Place oil, sugar, vitamin E and lime zest in a bowl. Stir to combine, and if desired, add additional coconut oil to reach desired consistency. Add lime and/or coconut scented oils to smell. Put in a sealable jar and that’s it.
- When in the shower just rub everywhere and wash it off, it you have a greasy feeling, its okay just stand in the shower for a few minutes and your skin will absorb the oil.
GREEN TEA LEMON HONEY FACIAL (Facial scrub)
- 1 tsp of organic apple cider vinegar
- 2 tsps of prepared green tea
- a few drops of lemon juice
- 7 tsps of sugar
- 1 tsp of organic honey
- Place vinegar, green tea, lemon juice, sugar and honey in a small or medium bowl. Stir to combine, and if desired add more sugar if the consistency is too runny or more green tea if its to stiff.
- With this one, rub in circular motions for a few minutes and after just let it sit on your skin about 10 minutes or so then rinse it off. Store any unused mixture in a small glass jar with screw top in the refrigerator.
Just like a girl, us guys go through hormonal changes, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY IT’S FUCKING TRUE. Just, just listen, no listen. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME. Okay just because we don’t bleed doesn’t mean we don’t experience the same hormonal cycle. Every month I get a lot doucheier and way too emotional for my own good. Cosmo even proves it, calling it Irritable Male Syndrome. BFF and I go through it at the same time because when she’s on her period I’m on my meriod. It’s like I have ESPN or something. But seriously I’m so glad that I don’t bleed or any of that weird shit because like I would probably not know what to do if my vagina started bleeding? Like that’s so weird, right? I’m gay and I just don’t understand, idk.
Symptoms of a Meriod include (but not limited to):
- Complete and total dick
- Extra douchey
- Always tired
- Irritable for no reason
- Needs an ungodly amounts of attention (needy)
- All of the naps ever
- Food (taco bell, Mexican, waffle house, outback. Basically all food)
- SWEATPANTS ARE ALL THAT FIT ME.
I put Devon (butt <3) on the spot and asked him to describe his meriod to me and his comments were, “Farts, suicide, cramp pain, complete bitch and like Beyoncé hit me in the stomach with her swag.” I mean if those apply to you then that’s when you know you’re on your meriod. If not then it’s completely okay to judge him. But like Lil Wayne said, “Ima pick the world up and ima drop it on your fuckin head” I feel like this is an accurate statement for how I feel most of the time while I’m on my meriod. I either want to cuddle soft things, while crying into my pillow and watching Vampire Diaries or I want to punch you in the throat if you say the wrong thing because I’m either hungry, tired, bitchy or a combination of all of the above. Now listen, this isn’t all the time it just depends on my mood that day and if someone pisses me off or not. Like I’m going to listen to you speak for a few second then I’m going to hit you. Can we all agree that every guy has felt this way at one point? And if you say no, YOU’RE FUCKING LYING.
It’s nearing the end of the year, and for a tanning consultant that means lotions. I have in my salon two of the newest 2014 lotions, called Elusive and Adore. These lotions smell so good, I like Adore better. These are the two newest ones besides the Kardashian Iced Bronzer. But expect more Lotion Updates because more and more lotions will definitely be coming soon.
- Breakthrough 50X Bronzing combines the technologies of 3 tanning processes: Immediate Bronzing, Melanin Activating Bronzing, and Delayed Bronzing—to provide ultimate color development.
- TanEntice Elixir™ designed to work scientifically with the 50X bronzer by utilizing an Amino Acid to increase the production and distribution of Melanin in the skin.
- ChronoReset™Anti-Aging Synchronization when used in addition to UV light it can help to restore your Circadian Clock, improve skin’s function, appearance, and hydration. It also serves as a precursor to production of Vitamin D.
- Time Release Fragrance provides a long lasting effect to leave everyone you meet with a memory of your signature scent.
- Limitless Tanning Complexe™ features Dopa, a Melanin precursor, which helps activate the tanning process and eliminate restrictions on dark color potential
- MelanINK™ Bronzer, a natural form of Melanin, helps promote darker color, while Quicksun™ Color Tint provides instant streak-free color with a matte finish for added dimension
- Skin Activated Moisture™ Technology features a unique conditioning system that melts at skin temperature to provide a moisturized, luxurious feel
- Mega Magical Silicone Emulsion provides maximum hydration and protection while imparting skin with a velvety soft finish to leave skin looking as good as it feels
And remember using lotion when you’re tanning is 40% of your color and it helps to keep your skin moisturized. So use lotion for a better looking tan, because well I said so.