YOU FUGLY SLUT.

Since today is Wednesday and I’m sure your week, much like mine, has been hectic and busy thus far, if you’re anything like me then you haven’t been keeping up with eating right let alone washing your face how you should. Well WAKE THE FUCK UP and go eat some egg whites and get in the shower (we all know you haven’t had one in like 2 days). Your face is kind of important, I mean it’s the first thing people see when they meet you, unless you’re a male stripper, then well, that’s a different story. Since tanning is damaging to your skin, you’re going to need a great skin care line up to prevent wrinkles, early signs of aging and it’s just good for your skin in general. I personally use Clinique, it’s what works best for me. My skin is honestly very basic (pun intended); it’s not too oily nor too dry (the lady at the Clinique bar will help you pick out the right combination because there are about 7 variants to each step). I also use in conjunction with the Clinique, my Clairsonic. PRAISE JESUS YAAAASSS. It was a little pricey, around $200, but I would trade my first-born child for another one. My face feels so clean and my blackheads, YES I HAVE THEM ON MY NOSE AND CHEEKS OKAY, are starting to diminish and plus it gets the face wash deeper into your pores.

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First step: Scrub off the regret. But be gentle (I don’t use this everyday just once or twice a week).

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Step two: Wash that shit.

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Step three: Tone bitch, tone.

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Step four: Wrinkles aka don’t fucking look at me.

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Step five: Hydration. Just like you or me, for example, your skin gets D-hydrated. I’m talking about moisturizing (or am I). AKA lube the fuck out of your face.

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After everything has dried and your skin has thoroughly absorbed the skin care products, your face is ready and ample to withstand whatever you throw at it. Whether it be baking it in a tanning bed or just facing the day head on. I mean come on, we’re dudes and we don’t get make up so if your face is ugly, you’re fucked. And for those days when your face is dry (much like your sex life) or you have time to kill and want a little pick me up. Getting a facial is always obligatory. Now you can run off and get one at a salon, but those can be expensive (so just use mom’s credit card, duh) or you can do it at home. Some of the face masks that I use are from Clinique but I also use some from Target #PoorCollegeKidProbs.

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Scrub off the boys from last night.

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After those long nights of partying, (drinking your body weight in alcohol) being a slut and having a walk of shame, you need to give your skin a refresh. Just grab a towel, a body scrub (that I’m about to show you how to make) and sit down in the shower and reevaluate your life (or don’t). First off I love scrubs. Body scrubs, face scrubs basically all kinds of scrubs. Okay I’m obsessed, I guess I like the way they make my skin feel I don’t really know but, its an unhealthy obsession to say the least.  I dare you to judge me on my own blog (actually I don’t care). I was reading the ingredients in one of the scubs my mom uses and it said sea salt, coconut oil, vitamin E, and essence of coconut. Now the price tag said $60.00, so naturally I wanted to use it. But instead I put my crafty hat on and I brain stormed the fuck out of how to make it (Google obviously). Now I like sugar scrubs, salt scrubs make my skin feel dry. So anyway I found out how to make it, I just changed the salt to sugar. Literally the easiest thing ever and it was super cheap like 10 dollars if that and it all just depends on the ingredients you pick. Another scrub that I use, not that often because it stinks lol, is a face scrub that eases the appearance of scars and evens out your skin in general. In high school I had acne, who didn’t? (Accutane fixed mine lol) so I had scars on my face and instead of spending a dickload of money on micro (my parents wouldn’t pay for it because it was “too expensive”) I chose something organic and a whole lot cheaper. It’s made from honey, sugar, green tea, lemon and apple cider vinegar. They’re both super simple to make but the one for your face has to be refrigerated. Weird I know but whatever, JUST LISTEN TO ME.

COCONUT LIME (Body scrub)

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Ingredients
:

  • 1/2 cup coconut oil (softened)
  • 1 cup raw sugar
  • 1/2 tsp vitamin E
  • 1/2 tsp of lime juice
  • Zest from half a lime
  • Optional: Lime and/or coconut scented oils

Directions:

  • Place oil, sugar, vitamin E and lime zest in a bowl.  Stir to combine, and if desired, add additional coconut oil to reach desired consistency.  Add lime and/or coconut scented oils to smell. Put in a sealable jar and that’s it.
  • When in the shower just rub everywhere and wash it off, it you have a greasy feeling, its okay just stand in the shower for a few minutes and your skin will absorb the oil.

GREEN TEA LEMON HONEY FACIAL (Facial scrub)

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Ingredients:

  • 1 tsp of organic apple cider vinegar
  • 2 tsps of prepared green tea
  • a few drops of lemon juice
  • 7 tsps of sugar
  • 1 tsp of organic honey

Directions:

  • Place vinegar, green tea, lemon juice, sugar and honey in a small or medium bowl. Stir to combine, and if desired add more sugar if the consistency is too runny or more green tea if its to stiff.
  • With this one, rub in circular motions for a few minutes and after just let it sit on your skin about 10 minutes or so then rinse it off. Store any unused mixture in a small glass jar with screw top in the refrigerator.

Meriods.

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Just like a girl, us guys go through hormonal changes, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY IT’S FUCKING TRUE. Just, just listen, no listen. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME. Okay just because we don’t bleed doesn’t mean we don’t experience the same hormonal cycle. Every month I get a lot doucheier and way too emotional for my own good. Cosmo even proves it, calling it Irritable Male Syndrome. BFF and I go through it at the same time because when she’s on her period I’m on my meriod. It’s like I have ESPN or something. But seriously I’m so glad that I don’t bleed or any of that weird shit because like I would probably not know what to do if my vagina started bleeding? Like that’s so weird, right? I’m gay and I just don’t understand, idk.

Symptoms of a Meriod include (but not limited to):

  • Complete and total dick
  • Extra douchey
  • Always tired
  • Irritable for no reason
  • Needs an ungodly amounts of attention (needy)
  • All of the naps ever
  • Food (taco bell, Mexican, waffle house, outback. Basically all food)
  • SWEATPANTS ARE ALL THAT FIT ME.

I put Devon (butt <3) on the spot and asked him to describe his meriod to me and his comments were, “Farts, suicide, cramp pain, complete bitch and like Beyoncé hit me in the stomach with her swag.” I mean if those apply to you then that’s when you know you’re on your meriod. If not then it’s completely okay to judge him. But like Lil Wayne said, “Ima pick the world up and ima drop it on your fuckin head” I feel like this is an accurate statement for how I feel most of the time while I’m on my meriod. I either want to cuddle soft things, while crying into my pillow and watching Vampire Diaries or I want to punch you in the throat if you say the wrong thing because I’m either hungry, tired, bitchy or a combination of all of the above. Now listen, this isn’t all the time it just depends on my mood that day and if someone pisses me off or not. Like I’m going to listen to you speak for a few second then I’m going to hit you. Can we all agree that every guy has felt this way at one point? And if you say no, YOU’RE FUCKING LYING.

Balls, two.

So when it snows I get bored and hungry. I’m fat what else do you expect? Anyway, I was at target getting eggs when it hit me, RED VELVET CAKE BALLS. Like any fat ass, I stormed over to the cake isle to get the box to make it. Then my craft side came out, what if I could make these skinny. I did, they turned out amazing. Duh. (Its me and you’re welcome). I made them exactly like I made the other skinny cake balls, except I filled them with cream cheese frosting. *insert purple devil head emoji*

Ingredients:

  • 16.5 oz package red velvet cake mix (any brand)
  • 6 oz plain fat-free Greek yogurt
  • 1 cup water
  • 2 large egg whites
  • 48 oz Baker’s white chocolate (20 oz calculated in n.i)*

Directions:

  • Preheat oven to 350°F. Lightly spray a the cake pop pan with baking spray.
  • Combine the cake mix, yogurt, water and egg whites in a large mixing bowl and beat until combined. Place the batter into a pastry bag or large ziplock bag with the tip cut off.
  • Pipe the batter into the prepared cake pop pan and bake about 18 minutes. Let it rest 5 minutes before opening the pan.
  • Place the cake balls on a wire rack and repeat with remaining batter. Using a scissor, cut the seam off the balls.
  • Refrigerate the cake balls for about 45 minutes, this helps the chocolate stick to the cake.
  • Melt the chocolate over a double boiler, its more work but the chocolate won’t have a burnt taste. If it’s too thick add a drop of oil to thin out. Use the wooden skewer and insert into the cake ball, then dip in melted chocolate. Let the excess drip off then place each ball on parchment or wax paper.

Cookie in a cup, duh.

We all know those days when you’re having a fat day (if you’re like me its everyday) and you want a cookie, but don’t feel like making an entire batch. Well crafty me found this on Tumblr and I fell in love, it’s honestly better than sex. (Okay not really but you get my point) Go make this and get fat, so I can judge you.

 

Ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon butter
  • 1 tablespoon granulated white sugar
  • 1 tablespoon of firmly packed dark brown sugar
  • 3 drops of vanilla extract
  • Small pinch of salt
  • 1 egg Yolk
  • Scant ¼ of flour (slightly less than ¼ of a cup)
  • 2 heaping tablespoons of semi sweet chocolate chips

Instructions

  • Start by melting your butter in the microwave. Butter should just be melted, not boiling.
  • Add sugars, vanilla and salt. Stir to combine.
  • Separate your egg and add the yolk only to your cup. Stir to combine.
  • Add flour, then stir again.
  • Add the chocolate chips, and give a final stir. Now your mixture will look like cookie dough.
  • Cook in microwave 40-60 seconds, start checking for doneness at 40 seconds. Mine takes 50 seconds. Do not cook past one minute, just like a regular cookie, this will continue cooking as it cools. If the cookie is dry or cake like, try less time. Serve warm.