YOU FUGLY SLUT.

Since today is Wednesday and I’m sure your week, much like mine, has been hectic and busy thus far, if you’re anything like me then you haven’t been keeping up with eating right let alone washing your face how you should. Well WAKE THE FUCK UP and go eat some egg whites and get in the shower (we all know you haven’t had one in like 2 days). Your face is kind of important, I mean it’s the first thing people see when they meet you, unless you’re a male stripper, then well, that’s a different story. Since tanning is damaging to your skin, you’re going to need a great skin care line up to prevent wrinkles, early signs of aging and it’s just good for your skin in general. I personally use Clinique, it’s what works best for me. My skin is honestly very basic (pun intended); it’s not too oily nor too dry (the lady at the Clinique bar will help you pick out the right combination because there are about 7 variants to each step). I also use in conjunction with the Clinique, my Clairsonic. PRAISE JESUS YAAAASSS. It was a little pricey, around $200, but I would trade my first-born child for another one. My face feels so clean and my blackheads, YES I HAVE THEM ON MY NOSE AND CHEEKS OKAY, are starting to diminish and plus it gets the face wash deeper into your pores.

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First step: Scrub off the regret. But be gentle (I don’t use this everyday just once or twice a week).

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Step two: Wash that shit.

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Step three: Tone bitch, tone.

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Step four: Wrinkles aka don’t fucking look at me.

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Step five: Hydration. Just like you or me, for example, your skin gets D-hydrated. I’m talking about moisturizing (or am I). AKA lube the fuck out of your face.

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After everything has dried and your skin has thoroughly absorbed the skin care products, your face is ready and ample to withstand whatever you throw at it. Whether it be baking it in a tanning bed or just facing the day head on. I mean come on, we’re dudes and we don’t get make up so if your face is ugly, you’re fucked. And for those days when your face is dry (much like your sex life) or you have time to kill and want a little pick me up. Getting a facial is always obligatory. Now you can run off and get one at a salon, but those can be expensive (so just use mom’s credit card, duh) or you can do it at home. Some of the face masks that I use are from Clinique but I also use some from Target #PoorCollegeKidProbs.

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Scrub off the boys from last night.

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After those long nights of partying, (drinking your body weight in alcohol) being a slut and having a walk of shame, you need to give your skin a refresh. Just grab a towel, a body scrub (that I’m about to show you how to make) and sit down in the shower and reevaluate your life (or don’t). First off I love scrubs. Body scrubs, face scrubs basically all kinds of scrubs. Okay I’m obsessed, I guess I like the way they make my skin feel I don’t really know but, its an unhealthy obsession to say the least.  I dare you to judge me on my own blog (actually I don’t care). I was reading the ingredients in one of the scubs my mom uses and it said sea salt, coconut oil, vitamin E, and essence of coconut. Now the price tag said $60.00, so naturally I wanted to use it. But instead I put my crafty hat on and I brain stormed the fuck out of how to make it (Google obviously). Now I like sugar scrubs, salt scrubs make my skin feel dry. So anyway I found out how to make it, I just changed the salt to sugar. Literally the easiest thing ever and it was super cheap like 10 dollars if that and it all just depends on the ingredients you pick. Another scrub that I use, not that often because it stinks lol, is a face scrub that eases the appearance of scars and evens out your skin in general. In high school I had acne, who didn’t? (Accutane fixed mine lol) so I had scars on my face and instead of spending a dickload of money on micro (my parents wouldn’t pay for it because it was “too expensive”) I chose something organic and a whole lot cheaper. It’s made from honey, sugar, green tea, lemon and apple cider vinegar. They’re both super simple to make but the one for your face has to be refrigerated. Weird I know but whatever, JUST LISTEN TO ME.

COCONUT LIME (Body scrub)

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Ingredients
:

  • 1/2 cup coconut oil (softened)
  • 1 cup raw sugar
  • 1/2 tsp vitamin E
  • 1/2 tsp of lime juice
  • Zest from half a lime
  • Optional: Lime and/or coconut scented oils

Directions:

  • Place oil, sugar, vitamin E and lime zest in a bowl.  Stir to combine, and if desired, add additional coconut oil to reach desired consistency.  Add lime and/or coconut scented oils to smell. Put in a sealable jar and that’s it.
  • When in the shower just rub everywhere and wash it off, it you have a greasy feeling, its okay just stand in the shower for a few minutes and your skin will absorb the oil.

GREEN TEA LEMON HONEY FACIAL (Facial scrub)

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Ingredients:

  • 1 tsp of organic apple cider vinegar
  • 2 tsps of prepared green tea
  • a few drops of lemon juice
  • 7 tsps of sugar
  • 1 tsp of organic honey

Directions:

  • Place vinegar, green tea, lemon juice, sugar and honey in a small or medium bowl. Stir to combine, and if desired add more sugar if the consistency is too runny or more green tea if its to stiff.
  • With this one, rub in circular motions for a few minutes and after just let it sit on your skin about 10 minutes or so then rinse it off. Store any unused mixture in a small glass jar with screw top in the refrigerator.

Meriods.

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Just like a girl, us guys go through hormonal changes, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY IT’S FUCKING TRUE. Just, just listen, no listen. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME. Okay just because we don’t bleed doesn’t mean we don’t experience the same hormonal cycle. Every month I get a lot doucheier and way too emotional for my own good. Cosmo even proves it, calling it Irritable Male Syndrome. BFF and I go through it at the same time because when she’s on her period I’m on my meriod. It’s like I have ESPN or something. But seriously I’m so glad that I don’t bleed or any of that weird shit because like I would probably not know what to do if my vagina started bleeding? Like that’s so weird, right? I’m gay and I just don’t understand, idk.

Symptoms of a Meriod include (but not limited to):

  • Complete and total dick
  • Extra douchey
  • Always tired
  • Irritable for no reason
  • Needs an ungodly amounts of attention (needy)
  • All of the naps ever
  • Food (taco bell, Mexican, waffle house, outback. Basically all food)
  • SWEATPANTS ARE ALL THAT FIT ME.

I put Devon (butt <3) on the spot and asked him to describe his meriod to me and his comments were, “Farts, suicide, cramp pain, complete bitch and like Beyoncé hit me in the stomach with her swag.” I mean if those apply to you then that’s when you know you’re on your meriod. If not then it’s completely okay to judge him. But like Lil Wayne said, “Ima pick the world up and ima drop it on your fuckin head” I feel like this is an accurate statement for how I feel most of the time while I’m on my meriod. I either want to cuddle soft things, while crying into my pillow and watching Vampire Diaries or I want to punch you in the throat if you say the wrong thing because I’m either hungry, tired, bitchy or a combination of all of the above. Now listen, this isn’t all the time it just depends on my mood that day and if someone pisses me off or not. Like I’m going to listen to you speak for a few second then I’m going to hit you. Can we all agree that every guy has felt this way at one point? And if you say no, YOU’RE FUCKING LYING.

Lotion update

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It’s nearing the end of the year, and for a tanning consultant that means lotions. I have in my salon two of the newest 2014 lotions, called Elusive and Adore. These lotions smell so good, I like Adore better. These are the two newest ones besides the Kardashian Iced Bronzer. But expect more Lotion Updates because more and more lotions will definitely be coming soon.

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Elusive:

  • Breakthrough 50X Bronzing combines the technologies of 3 tanning processes: Immediate Bronzing, Melanin Activating Bronzing, and Delayed Bronzing—to provide ultimate color development.
  • TanEntice Elixir™ designed to work scientifically with the 50X bronzer by utilizing an Amino Acid to increase the production and distribution of Melanin in the skin.
  • ChronoReset™Anti-Aging Synchronization when used in addition to UV light it can help to restore your Circadian Clock, improve skin’s function, appearance, and hydration. It also serves as a precursor to production of Vitamin D.
  • Time Release Fragrance provides a long lasting effect to leave everyone you meet with a memory of your signature scent.

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  • Limitless Tanning Complexe™ features Dopa, a Melanin precursor, which helps activate the tanning process and eliminate restrictions on dark color potential
  • MelanINK™ Bronzer, a natural form of Melanin, helps promote darker color, while Quicksun™ Color Tint provides instant streak-free color with a matte finish for added dimension
  • Skin Activated Moisture™ Technology features a unique conditioning system that melts at skin temperature to provide a moisturized, luxurious feel
  • Mega Magical Silicone Emulsion provides maximum hydration and protection while imparting skin with a velvety soft finish to leave skin looking as good as it feels

And remember using lotion when you’re tanning is 40% of your color and it helps to keep your skin moisturized. So use lotion for a better looking tan, because well I said so.

Relation(SHIT)s

This topic is a little touchy. I mean I’ve only had like 3 boyfriends and I’m currently single, so what the fuck do I know? WELLLLLLL as a matter of fact, I know a whole fucking lot about this particular subject. Just hold your iPhone in one hand and your venti chai in the other and read my blog and stfu.

1. DON’T CHEAT EVER, even if there is a fire. You might think it was an accident but in all reality you knew exactly what you were doing. I’m all too familiar with this subject so let me throw a little history at you, my first boyfriend after not even a week of losing my virginity to him cheated on me, with a cop (haha he was fat and old), then proceeded to nonchalantly tell me 3 days later like it wasn’t a big deal (I cried, eww right) I might have drove to campus and made a scene and maybe I’m a psycho. THESE ARE FACTS PEOPLE I CANT LIE. It’s a blog, that’s like against the rules or something idk. Either way I was in love with the kid and in the early years I actually had a heart and I just realized like a year ago I’m a natural born psycho. ENNNYTWAYYY it does take an emotional toll on the other person and they lose all trust for them. Plus why cheat when you can have sex with me when legit ever you want to, except after taco bell AINT NOBODY GOT THE TIME.

2. COMMUNI-FUCKING-CATON. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship, besides bomb ass sex. BECAUSE BITCH, dick too bomb. I mean if I can’t tell you how I’m feeling or I’ve had a bad day while I’m riding you then what’s the point of dating? I mean FWB (Friends with benefits) was cool like 3 years ago but I need a little more stability.

3. ATTENTION. You better fucking give it all to me and no one else because I will find out, just like I found out you favorited that hot guys tweet 40 seconds ago. I KNOW EVERYTHING; don’t ever underestimate me because when you do I’ll pull some Kim Possible shit and you’ll be looking like Ron Stoppable. I just require constant texting and maybe a cute text or 30 a day, I’m really not that complicated.

4.HONESTY. NIGGA IS U SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, you better tell me who he is, what’s his name, I KNOW YOURE SLEEPING WITH HIM. Just kidding but seriously. Just tell me everything, honesty goes right along with communication, be honest and open. I don’t care if you’re pooping or fisting a cow just tell me. I like when you tell me what you’re doing instead of finding out via twitter.

5. YOUR IPHONE IS NOW A WEPHONE. “If he’s hiding his phone, he’s hiding something from you.” – Garrett I mean I’m not the psycho bf that needs to have constant control over your phone when I cant even get control of my own. But if I want to look at it for something like idk the weather or your pictures or MAYBE YOUR MESSAGES I expect you to just be like “okay babe.”

These are just a few of my feelings on relationships, if you’re not already a psycho you will be after reading this. LOVE PEACE AND MOTHA FUCKIN CHICKEN GREASE.