YOU FUGLY SLUT.

Since today is Wednesday and I’m sure your week, much like mine, has been hectic and busy thus far, if you’re anything like me then you haven’t been keeping up with eating right let alone washing your face how you should. Well WAKE THE FUCK UP and go eat some egg whites and get in the shower (we all know you haven’t had one in like 2 days). Your face is kind of important, I mean it’s the first thing people see when they meet you, unless you’re a male stripper, then well, that’s a different story. Since tanning is damaging to your skin, you’re going to need a great skin care line up to prevent wrinkles, early signs of aging and it’s just good for your skin in general. I personally use Clinique, it’s what works best for me. My skin is honestly very basic (pun intended); it’s not too oily nor too dry (the lady at the Clinique bar will help you pick out the right combination because there are about 7 variants to each step). I also use in conjunction with the Clinique, my Clairsonic. PRAISE JESUS YAAAASSS. It was a little pricey, around $200, but I would trade my first-born child for another one. My face feels so clean and my blackheads, YES I HAVE THEM ON MY NOSE AND CHEEKS OKAY, are starting to diminish and plus it gets the face wash deeper into your pores.

clq_7t5r0kjkl1_402x464 copy

First step: Scrub off the regret. But be gentle (I don’t use this everyday just once or twice a week).

clq_6164_402x464 copy

Step two: Wash that shit.

clq_,hvl6f3701_402x464 copy

Step three: Tone bitch, tone.

clq_6121_402x464 copy

Step four: Wrinkles aka don’t fucking look at me.

clq_7YXH01_402x464 copy

Step five: Hydration. Just like you or me, for example, your skin gets D-hydrated. I’m talking about moisturizing (or am I). AKA lube the fuck out of your face.

clq_7T5R01_402x464 copy

After everything has dried and your skin has thoroughly absorbed the skin care products, your face is ready and ample to withstand whatever you throw at it. Whether it be baking it in a tanning bed or just facing the day head on. I mean come on, we’re dudes and we don’t get make up so if your face is ugly, you’re fucked. And for those days when your face is dry (much like your sex life) or you have time to kill and want a little pick me up. Getting a facial is always obligatory. Now you can run off and get one at a salon, but those can be expensive (so just use mom’s credit card, duh) or you can do it at home. Some of the face masks that I use are from Clinique but I also use some from Target #PoorCollegeKidProbs.

alba-goolkd_clean-minipeel-web copy

Advertisements

Relation(SHIT)s

This topic is a little touchy. I mean I’ve only had like 3 boyfriends and I’m currently single, so what the fuck do I know? WELLLLLLL as a matter of fact, I know a whole fucking lot about this particular subject. Just hold your iPhone in one hand and your venti chai in the other and read my blog and stfu.

1. DON’T CHEAT EVER, even if there is a fire. You might think it was an accident but in all reality you knew exactly what you were doing. I’m all too familiar with this subject so let me throw a little history at you, my first boyfriend after not even a week of losing my virginity to him cheated on me, with a cop (haha he was fat and old), then proceeded to nonchalantly tell me 3 days later like it wasn’t a big deal (I cried, eww right) I might have drove to campus and made a scene and maybe I’m a psycho. THESE ARE FACTS PEOPLE I CANT LIE. It’s a blog, that’s like against the rules or something idk. Either way I was in love with the kid and in the early years I actually had a heart and I just realized like a year ago I’m a natural born psycho. ENNNYTWAYYY it does take an emotional toll on the other person and they lose all trust for them. Plus why cheat when you can have sex with me when legit ever you want to, except after taco bell AINT NOBODY GOT THE TIME.

2. COMMUNI-FUCKING-CATON. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship, besides bomb ass sex. BECAUSE BITCH, dick too bomb. I mean if I can’t tell you how I’m feeling or I’ve had a bad day while I’m riding you then what’s the point of dating? I mean FWB (Friends with benefits) was cool like 3 years ago but I need a little more stability.

3. ATTENTION. You better fucking give it all to me and no one else because I will find out, just like I found out you favorited that hot guys tweet 40 seconds ago. I KNOW EVERYTHING; don’t ever underestimate me because when you do I’ll pull some Kim Possible shit and you’ll be looking like Ron Stoppable. I just require constant texting and maybe a cute text or 30 a day, I’m really not that complicated.

4.HONESTY. NIGGA IS U SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, you better tell me who he is, what’s his name, I KNOW YOURE SLEEPING WITH HIM. Just kidding but seriously. Just tell me everything, honesty goes right along with communication, be honest and open. I don’t care if you’re pooping or fisting a cow just tell me. I like when you tell me what you’re doing instead of finding out via twitter.

5. YOUR IPHONE IS NOW A WEPHONE. “If he’s hiding his phone, he’s hiding something from you.” – Garrett I mean I’m not the psycho bf that needs to have constant control over your phone when I cant even get control of my own. But if I want to look at it for something like idk the weather or your pictures or MAYBE YOUR MESSAGES I expect you to just be like “okay babe.”

These are just a few of my feelings on relationships, if you’re not already a psycho you will be after reading this. LOVE PEACE AND MOTHA FUCKIN CHICKEN GREASE.

Who the fuck am I?

Photo on 10-23-13 at 5.18 PM #4

Well hello motha fuckas and welcome to the best blog you’ll ever read (you can thank me later). Well first off I’m TheTanGay. And quite frankly, I’m better than you, (kidding) I’m not just a bitch I am the tannest bitch you’ll ever come across. Like, anyone who’s anyone knows who I am, and if you don’t, you must’ve been living under a rock or something. Seriously. I’m cocky, because I can back it up. I’m tan and I don’t care what you say. I’m the HBIC of everything that is anything, I know what you’re thinking, “He’s a complete psycho and I hate him.” Well actually I am. And I hate myself more than you already do. But just don’t think and accept the crazy psycho that I am.

Hopefully, (or not, I don’t really care) you’ll be able to learn a little something from my blog and me. I’ll give you helpful hints to deal with all the ugly that is your face, give you inspiration for the days when you want it (and probably should just let it) all to end, and pictures of me for your viewing pleasure. You’re welcome.

The idea of blogging is something I’ve wanted to do for a while now, (but have been too lazy) because I have a lot of things to talk about. I mean apparently people listen to me, idk? “RAHN STAPH IT, YOURE TRAMATIZING MEH” is most likely the phrase ill scream at you when you’re not giving me the attention (just constant texts and phone calls), I deserve. I’ve probably convinced you from either twitter, insta, with food (if you’re a BFF) or tumblr to be here, so put down the self-tanner and walk away from the Taco Bell (your hips will thank me later) and be prepared to read about none other than, ME! I mean that’s the only reason you’re here.

1.Where do you live?

I live in West Virginia. SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE. I know I know, don’t remind me and let’s not talk about it. It basically should be blown up or they should put a fence around the entire state and use it as a facility for ugly people and prisoners or something, idk.

2.Why don’t you have a boyfriend?

Well for some reason boys don’t like me? And if they do they just want to have “the sex” with me and be done. Personally my whore phase is long over. (As if) I’m just looking for something a little more than sex. Possibly marriage but lets just start with tequila.

3.What is your blog going to be about?

What’re you saying about? But seriously, I’m going to blog about Mean girls, awkward encounters, tanning (obviously), sex, men, diets (not eating), everything you’re doing wrong in your life, everything I’m doing wrong in my life, clothes, exercising and of course me. Duh. Basically everything I see and or hear I’ll put in my blog. It is after all, my blog. I’m just going to keep it light and casual, because like a period the least amount of reading, the better.

Just think of me as your personal trainer, the one you hate but hates you back even more. The one who will tell you that your thighs are touching or that you need to run an extra 7 miles. (kidding betch) Just sit back, let me take control (this isn’t my first time) and enjoy your non-fat soy latte. We all know you’re at Starbucks anyway, because that’s totally the rules of feminism.