YOU FUGLY SLUT.

Since today is Wednesday and I’m sure your week, much like mine, has been hectic and busy thus far, if you’re anything like me then you haven’t been keeping up with eating right let alone washing your face how you should. Well WAKE THE FUCK UP and go eat some egg whites and get in the shower (we all know you haven’t had one in like 2 days). Your face is kind of important, I mean it’s the first thing people see when they meet you, unless you’re a male stripper, then well, that’s a different story. Since tanning is damaging to your skin, you’re going to need a great skin care line up to prevent wrinkles, early signs of aging and it’s just good for your skin in general. I personally use Clinique, it’s what works best for me. My skin is honestly very basic (pun intended); it’s not too oily nor too dry (the lady at the Clinique bar will help you pick out the right combination because there are about 7 variants to each step). I also use in conjunction with the Clinique, my Clairsonic. PRAISE JESUS YAAAASSS. It was a little pricey, around $200, but I would trade my first-born child for another one. My face feels so clean and my blackheads, YES I HAVE THEM ON MY NOSE AND CHEEKS OKAY, are starting to diminish and plus it gets the face wash deeper into your pores.

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First step: Scrub off the regret. But be gentle (I don’t use this everyday just once or twice a week).

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Step two: Wash that shit.

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Step three: Tone bitch, tone.

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Step four: Wrinkles aka don’t fucking look at me.

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Step five: Hydration. Just like you or me, for example, your skin gets D-hydrated. I’m talking about moisturizing (or am I). AKA lube the fuck out of your face.

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After everything has dried and your skin has thoroughly absorbed the skin care products, your face is ready and ample to withstand whatever you throw at it. Whether it be baking it in a tanning bed or just facing the day head on. I mean come on, we’re dudes and we don’t get make up so if your face is ugly, you’re fucked. And for those days when your face is dry (much like your sex life) or you have time to kill and want a little pick me up. Getting a facial is always obligatory. Now you can run off and get one at a salon, but those can be expensive (so just use mom’s credit card, duh) or you can do it at home. Some of the face masks that I use are from Clinique but I also use some from Target #PoorCollegeKidProbs.

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No shave November? No.

If you participate in “No Shave November” (some of you shouldn’t) don’t let it get out of control. If you look like a wild wildebeest you probably should reevaluate your life and shave. I mean if you’re a guy and you have sexy facial hair, then four for you. (If I want to sit on your face then you should keep the facial hair) Now if you have pube looking nasty donkey dick smelling facial hair, I will call you out (again social suicide). If it doesn’t look good, don’t keep it.

Now ladies, I’m pretty sure No Shave November is reserved only for guys. I mean seeing as I’m best friends with like 3 girls I already know you never shave your legs anyway. BUT do not let that shit grow out to be longer than mine, das juss plain nasty. Even if no one is touching them do it for yourself. “I only go down if ya keep ya grass cut” – Lil Wayne said it right with those lyrics, keep your pikachu shaved at all times, that’s just like the rules of feminism. Got it? You’re welcome.